I just ran into a friend and we chatted about what we’ve learned over the past few years breaking into laughter when we realized it took getting to the other side of 50 to find our way back to ourselves. Our REAL selves. We talked about what it means to feel the power of being fully in our own skin without need of validation or appreciation. Though validation and appreciation can powerfully propel us deeper into our desired spaces, they should not be confused with being the driving life force behind them.
We talked about healing and self nourishment and how wonderful it is when we are in a space where that naturally happens. For me, it is when I am tangled up in words, handling clay or crouched down in a field trying to capture emotion in our natural world with my camera.
I haven’t always spent enough time in those spaces, but that has changed. It is just recently that I’ve stepped fully into myself as an artist and let me tell you, it is magnificent! I have given myself permission to exist in this space.
Perhaps this has happened to you too.
We have wants. We yearn. We long for permission and are saddened when it doesn’t come until one day we realize we need to offer this to ourselves. We must do this. Our wants have super powers. Here are a few of mine:
~ I want to live with an open, generous heart. I want to say yes more than no. I want to embrace the universe with joy, the kind of joy that knows what we hold in our hands is a precious and unique treasure and is a gift not to be squandered. I want t0 leave a beautiful imprint on the hearts I reach for. I want to learn to receive with gratitude.
~ I want to start a movement with creative souls, pushing them powerfully into the space where they generate their best work because they learn to trust in the process, not because of a hoped-for outcome. I want this movement to transcend today’s five step process to happiness or anything and kill the thought that unless there is scientific proof, the very thing that drives an internal sense of well being and comfort is not real. Poppycock.
~ I want to have my epitaph read ‘she was a joyous and generous soul who touched the lives of others in a beautiful way,’ and not be remembered for any trauma or tragedies that have been a part of my life, and that are a part of every life that has been lived.
~ I want to let my imperfect soul shine like a diamond and OWN this sparkle without apology in spite of it’s kinks, dents, malfunctions or disordered process and exist in the awareness that perfection is a false aspiration and only I get to truly behold my own self.
~ I want to say shame on you to those that would hide or hurry the dark side of human emotion, that space where we lie on the floor in holy grief or shudder with fear over a loss or perhaps walk with shaking limbs into a new space in our lives. I want to generate a movement of compassion and trust and only associate with those who share this life philosophy. We feel pain. We feel joy. Loss is real.
~ I want to exist in REAL. Real humans. You know, the ones that walk the talk. I have no space for bullshit. It just makes me ornery.
My wants are worthy wants and yet sometimes I allow fear to be my inner saboteur. I suspect we all do.
What do your fears whisper in your ear? My fears tell me I’m not worthy, not talented enough, not smart enough, not young enough. Never enough. Sometimes I shrink in space when they whisper.
But today was different.
This morning I searched for a pair of shoes in a closet I share with my boyfriend in our home and I thought to myself, “I’m taking up far too much space, I need to take up less,” and then something inside shouted NO! You need to take up more space, not less. You need to open your arms wide and envelop the universe, not tentatively tip toe. I felt a presence then, one that angrily announced: ENOUGH ALREADY. You are enough. You deserve this life you want.
Holy shit. My fear put it’s tail between it’s legs and meekly whispered, ok, sorry, I’m leaving now. Damn straight, my spirit sang! Damn straight!
It was that easy.
You can do it too.
Write down what you want. Contemplate your happy place and spend more time there. Write down what you are afraid of. Take up lots of space. Open your arms wide and embrace the universe. The only thing you have to lose is yourself if you don’t.